Why not save yourself £2.20 and just grow one for free, perhaps in the ground?
While I don’t necessarily believe that playing violent video games leads people to commit violent acts in real life, I did wonder if my epic GTA4 session last night led to my impulsive purchase of a 6-piece screwdriver set from Woolworths at lunchtime. I’m sure this is nothing to worry about.
Perhaps I could test the effects of gaming on my day to day life by immersing myself in an epic session of Viva Pinata to see if it causes me to spend thousands of pounds in the gardening section of Homebase before consuming a staggering quantity of mindbuggering hallucinogenic substances.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is science.
Incidentally, the screwdriver set was only two pounds. Two pounds!
I’ve just seen a van which boldly proclaims on its side the promise of ‘professional bin cleaning services’. Exactly how does one measure the professionalism or otherwise of a bin cleaning service? I can only think of one metric which could apply:
1) Is the bin clean?
Surely even the most amateur bin cleaner could manage to clean one with a reasonable degree of efficacy? Admittedly the more novice bin cleaner among us might miss the odd spot here or there, or perhaps leave residues or traces of unspeakable decomposing horror in its deepest, darkest corners.
Professional indeed. Pshaw.
I received my first unsolicited promotional text message the other day. Little did I know that the fuckers would would pester me relentlessly on a daily basis. How long can I resist? How long?
27/02 HURRY! No time to delay join tooting leisure centre today & get March for just £20.08. No contract + 5pt sessions FREE. call 02083337555.
28/02 Extended offer! Tooting leisure centre are still giving you march for just £20.08 with 5 personal training sessions FREE. Call now;02083337555
29/02 Last day to join tooting leisure centre & get march for just £20.08 + 5 pt sessions FREE & NO CONTRACT. SO HURRY! call 02083337555
Now, I’m working on the assumption here that they’re talking about a leisure centre in Tooting, but if they’re trying to get me to join a leisure centre that toots I’m sold.
Oh Johnny! If only you were multicellular and had a nucleus, like all the other kids.
I couldn’t wait to sink my baby-murdering teeth into Nestle’s new two-fingered orange Kit Kat, as it’s only 107 calories! That’s half the calories of a normal (common or garden) two-fingered Kit Kat. Now, if only they could make it not taste like shit.
It can’t be said that the British Egg Information service don’t have a sense of humour. They do! I’ve found a wonderful page of egg-related hilarity and mirth on their new and improved website:
A husband wanted to learn how to make an omelette. He was told that to start he had to seperate two eggs, so he put one in the kitchen and one in the hall!
Stupid husbands! They’re all stupid!
Q. What’s the difference between a soldier and a fireman?
A. You can’t dip a fireman in an egg
Yes you can. If it’s a really big egg.
There were two eggs being boiled in a saucepan. One egg said ‘owch it’s hot in here…’ The other egg said ‘arghhhh!! A talking egg!!’
I’m sure they were both saying ‘arghhhh!!’, as they were both being boiled. They probably went rather quiet soon after. Don’t worry avid readers, I’ve come up with my own yolk (joke):
What do you call an egg on a bus? The ticket inspeggtor!
Please don’t cry.
Four year olds seem to have a wonderful take on the ‘Banana Boat Song’, as one in our labs (the control subject*) sings the line “Hey Mister Taleban, tally me bananas.”
Perhaps if the Taleban spent more time counting bananas instead of murdering people and being generally unpleasant it would be easier to create a lasting peace in Afghanistan. And then we could all go there and eat bananas.
* The other four year olds are currently incubating pneumonic plague and have stopped singing and breathing.
My favourite Youtube comment of the week:
Steve i got sick recently too! I recently got lukemia (Whatever that is) so yeah. I don’t fell to sick right now
Give it time, my child, give it time.